THE FALL THAT LIFTED ME w/Kevin Hines

It can be very easy to lose faith when you struggle with mental illness. For Kevin Hines however, faith is the backbone of his life and something that has never wavered for him except when his hands left the rail of the Golden Gate Bridge as he jumped off. Kevin’s father is fond of saying to his banker buddies at baseball games, “Kevin found God on the way down.” When Kevin prayed to God to live. Kevin believes God answered his prayers. Kevin was tormented by bullies when he was in Grade Four at school and experiencing his first auditory hallucination that same year, his faith did not waiver but got stronger. In this interview Kevin delves more into his faith and how it has helped him through his life. ​

ERIN: Kevin, can you go into detail about your years at a Catholic grade school and high school and discuss how faith got you through some very hard times when you were in grade four? 

KEVIN: You’d think that attending a Catholic Grade and Highschool, that the students and the teachers would have the utmost morality, subjectivity, kindness, compassion, and love for their fellow students, or those they taught and supervised. Well, I’ll KINDLY leave the name of the grade and high school I attended out of this piece to respect their establishments.

That said from the moment I can remember as a grade school kid, the older white kids tormented me. An 8th grader let’s call him *Nick* would hold my head down and away from him when I was in 4th grade (a child) and he’d yell on repeat in the recess area “Swing little RED (the color of my hair) N! Word swing. Then *Mike* in my grade would get behind me, bend down, while *Tony* would push me from the front over *Mike* and I would crack my head open on the concrete and bleed. All because I did not look like them. This was in San Francisco in the late 1980’s and early 90’s. They and others made it abundantly clear that the torment they caused me was due to one thing. The fact that I was part black. They pushed me around, called me racial epithets, and even on occasion assaulted me because I did not look like them.

Another *Tony* would hold me, restraining me from behind while *Mike* would punch me in the gut on the daily, until and when I head-butted that *Tony* and then of course, I got detention looked upon as the aggressor.

In no way am I claiming to be a victim, these are simply the facts as I perceived them, I recognize that perception is reality. I can in no way attest to how *Nick* *Tony*, *Tony* & *Mike* or the countless others who took me to task viewed or perceived their own actions…I can simply say that an old statement I had no part in creating is true… “Hurt people hurt people.”

In High school, things didn’t start off much different. Catholic school (which I ended up loving and thriving in) filled with upperclassmen bullies. But eventually, they graduated, and things got better. In each scenario, my faith in a higher power never ever waivered.

​ERIN: You went to church every Sunday. Was faith the pillar of your family life? 

KEVIN: Our little Hines family, made up of three adopted children from different families into one, a very mixed bunch, and a very loving Mom & Dad Pat & Debi attended church weekly, but I feel I took to Catholicism the most. I loved Sunday school, I asked a lot of questions, I questioned even the authority of the nuns, priests, and instructors. But none the less, I believed. I still believe. My faith is firm, steadfast, and true.

ERIN: How did you keep leaning into your faith while suffering from mental illness and auditory hallucinations? Did it help you through this time? 

KEVIN: During these harrowing times, filled with psychosis, uncertainty, pain, struggle, and visual, auditory, and even physical hallucinations of demons attacking me daily for years, my faith never faltered. Every time they occurred, I “Prayed them away!” literally.

I understand as I’ve done my research that scientists have determined that thousands of people who experience or experienced various sleep disorders embody these types of “symptoms.” In fact, I at the time lived with 5 simultaneously diagnosed sleep disorders.
1.    Insomnia
2.    Sleep Apnea
3.    Sleep Paralysis
4.    Narcolepsy
5.    Parasomnia

It was a vivid viscous nightmare!

But prayer was the only thing that helped me immensely through this time. Even doing breathing exercises, meditating, and then praying (in that order) to sleep helped me find and better balance my sleep pattern/circadian rhythm.

ERIN: Nothing stands out more to me than the fact you’re one of just a handful of people who have survived the jump from the Golden Gate Bridge. You were essentially saved by a sea lion. Somebody was absolutely looking out for you that day. Can you talk us through that? 

KEVIN: Having gone through so much in my life, from being born in abject poverty, to being taken away from my birth parents, which breaks the natural mother, infant bond, to losing my favorite teacher and hero to suicide, to then attempt to take my life off of the Golden Gate Bridge at 19, you might say I needed a win. While my action I regret, it doesn’t take away from the fact that what happened next was nothing short of a miracle. Everything that happened that day, played directly into his hands. I know this to be true… God saved my life that day. There is no other explanation. You are welcome to believe whatever you want. This is MY MIRACLE!

KEVIN: ​When my hands left the rail of the Golden Gate Bridge, and my legs cleared it, instantaneous regret from my actions, and the 100% recognition, I’d just made the greatest mistake in my life, and the likely hood that it was in fact too late. For 99.9% of those who have leapt off that bridge for the last 90 years it’s been too late. Not for me. For me a three-pronged miracle went into effect. 
 
1.    The moment my hands left the rail, a woman driving by in a red car saw me go over and called her colleague in the U.S. Coast Guard who happened to be mobilized to man the waters of the bridge. The only reason the Coast Guard got to me before I would drown was because of that woman’s phone call. 

2.    A sea lion brought me from the depths of the waters beneath the bridge to the surface and kept me afloat until the Coast Guard boat arrived. 

3.    One of the world’s foremost back surgeons was visiting the hospital they sent me to for the day. His name was Dr. Jonathan Levin, and he opted to clock in and do my surgery. A 10 & a half hour back surgery to replace my shattered three vertebrae with titanium. He and his team had no margin for error, I was at their mercy, one mistake and the negative possibilities were endless. Instead, he saved my ability to stand walk, and run. 

4.    He went on to do that same surgery on 13 other Golden Gate Bridge jump survivors. Incredible. 
 
Anyone anywhere is free to feel any other way about this MIRACLE. But alas, I know my truth. I am grateful to God for every waking moment, every breath I’ve taken past that day, and every sip of water I drink. Remember without those two things we don’t exist. I’m grateful for all the people who helped me recover physically and mentally. From the Sea Lion to the Coast Guard, the ambulance drivers, the surgeon, physicians, nurses, hospital staff, the various psych ward staff, my entire family, all my friends, literally everyone who had a hand to play in the daily and continuous overcoming of my pain. Especially my lovely wife Margaret who’s been there through 7 psych ward stays for suicidal crisis. She is God’s greatest gift to me next to my faith. 

ERIN: How do you manage to have your faith strengthen when you’re in times of darkness? 
 
KEVIN: I hold this one notion to be true… “It’s not about what happens to you, It’s about how you react to what happens to you.” My faith strengthens in hard times because I know that God is not punishing me with hard times, he’s building me. We can let our pain defeat or destroy us, or we can choose to let it build us brick by brick from the ground up. I choose the latter. What you or do not change, you choose.

​ERIN: Why did you choose not to disclose that you were suffering auditory hallucinations from Grade four until your jump off the Golden Gate Bridge at 19?

KEVIN: Fear.
  
ERIN: How do you incorporate your faith into your life now? 

KEVIN: My lovely wife and I were married in the Catholic Church, we pray together daily, and throughout the day. We go to church every Sunday we can. We take communion when and where appropriate depending on how many consecutive Sundays we attend church. When we don’t attend physically, we make sure to attend virtually if schedule allows. But most importantly we spread the message of our faith to people around the world through the power of the spoken word, and through articles like this.

However, we don’t push our faith on anyone, that’s not our business. We care about and want to serve anyone and everyone who’s hurting with brain pain, or mental struggles, faith filled or not, we want to always give back to anyone who needs it.

That said, one of the greatest things that happens to us, is when someone states that they lost their faith long ago, and because of my story it has returned. What a gift.

Remember friends, whether you believe in God like I do is not the point. We can always have civil discourse and still be kind, compassionate, loving, caring, and non-judgmental to every person we meet. Kindness is one of the most important and seemingly limitless but precious commodities this world has, and its completely free, and is contagious. Be kind, always, it will come back in spades. ∎

Find & follow Kevin on Instagram: @kevinhinesstory
Learn more about his story here: www.awarenessties.us/kevin-hines